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10 reasons not to use Ubuntu

  1. You Don’t Try Before You Buy – We all want to believe all the propaganda from people selling us something we don’t need. So why would you want to be able to test-drive an operating system via liveCD before you install it. Tell ‘em you don’t need any guarantees either, you’ll take it as-is, sight unseen.
  2. Installation of Software is Too Easy – With Ubuntu you only have to click on the Synaptic and click check boxes to add software. Then hit Apply. You probably will feel gypped when you have to go searching for software, unzip it, quite everything else you are running, and then install an .exe. Then when you are done run Windows Update (of course only using Internet Explorer) just to make sure everything is up to date.
  3. Too Few Viruses/Too much security – Virus scanners give you a warm fuzzy feeling, they can also keep your computer from performing as fast as possible. Slowing down your performance keeps people’s expectations of you low. Without spy-ware and viruses slowing you down it’s a nuisance plus once you are logged in it’s not going to crash or be wiped out by viruses. Plus if you got too much work done you might get promoted or a raise. That would be a real pain trying to figure out how to spend the extra money.
  4. No Expensive Office Suites – You know you like to pay $400+ dollars for Microsoft Office Professional. must be some kind of communist plot. Why save that money for your kids college or support education initiatives in the third-world when you can help fund Bill Gates’ humble lifestyle.
  5. Optional Purchase Option – If an operating system is free it can’t be that good. You want to go through an activation process to make sure it’s a genuine operating system. That activation is a convenience put in place to make you feel more secure. You should be proud to volunteer your personal information and then be forced into an upgrade cycle that milks you out of hundreds of dollars every couple years. It makes perfect sense.
  6. Too many Free Applications to Choose From – Why would you want choices you think it better just to be told what to do? You should browse the Microsoft catalog first, then go to your local Best Buy for an office suite, image editors, and other document authoring software. If you are tempted to chose one package over the other on your own ask the burnout sales guy who was smoking weed behind the dumpster an hour ago for his opinion. Why would you want to use Scribus, Nvu, GIMP, OpenOffice that can be downloaded for free when you drive your gas guzzling SUV to the store add some CO2 to the global warning, maybe even run down an endangered species in route.
  7. Too Well Documented – You hate it when you can find easy-to-understand, search-able documentation. [I wanted to find out how to troubleshoot my wireless card so I went and looked at the and there was at least three easy-to-read up-to-date documents to help me.] I know I really wanted to call someone named John who was being exploited in a third world country, have him read a script about how he would help me and watch him fail miserably then have him wish me a very good day as my system was in worse condition than before we started talking.
  8. Excellent Free No Wait Technical Support – Speaking of support, why should I want to go to #Ubuntu on IRC where 1300 Ubuntu users are hanging out and offering their time to answer questions for free. It’s much more fun waiting on hold to hear John read his support script.

    John (in an accent that is so thick you can hardly make out the words): Hello, this is John, "How may I be helping you."

    You: My desktop isn’t displaying anything but a error message
    John: I am sorry to hear that, what seems to be the problem.
    You: My screen is displaying an error message.
    John: I am very sorry to hear that, I would like you to reboot.
    You: I just did.
    John: I am very sorry to hear that, I would like you to reboot.
    You: Really, why? I just rebooted.
    John: I am very sorry to hear that, I would like you to reboot.
    You: Can you just tell me problem that might cause that error?
    John (long pause): Please hold I must get my supervisor….
    You: What’s his name?
    John: Frank
    You: What’s his real name?

  9. Too many Interface Choices – I know you like the choices in Windows you can buy many versions of Vista with slightly more functionality at much greater prices. When you use Ubuntu, you have too many choices. You have the option of using Ubuntu with the Gnome desktop environment, if you hate that you can use Kbuntu using the QT-based KDE environment. What if you work in an office don’t you want the same operating system that is used by third graders in their schools. After all let’s start children while they are young authoring painfully ineffective slide decks on PowerPoint. Why would you want them to use a custom version for schools like Edubuntu . It should be a law that you need a fast state of the art computer, why would you want an operating system that doesn’t require at least a gig of RAM and a wicked fast video card. In fact Ubuntu users with modest machines use Xbuntu to keep the resource requirements low. Once again you shouldn’t be allowed to compute if you can’t afford the latest and greatest computer. Computing is a privilege and poor people shouldn’t be allowed to access the Internet.
  10. Too Much Eye Candy – You don’t want any cool eye-candy like rotating desktops transparency, woobly windows, and more. Why risk someone calling you a show-off when you start demonstrating your fancy desktop. Keep your profile low with Windows Vista, it looks just like everyone else’s desktop.
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